DRY January is finally over and for many, that long-awaited glass of wine or pint of beer has never tasted so good.
A record one in five drinkers went tee-total this year, spending £118 less on average on booze.
Pubs across the UK will no doubt be relieved the most sober month of the year is over and they’ll be keen to tempt customers back through their doors.
And there’s no better way to lure bargain-loving Brits to the bars than with a very boozy Bottomless Brunch.
They’re hugely popular on Saturdays, among women especially, who can pay up to £50 per head for free-flowing drinks and food.
But when the booze is unlimited, ANYTHING can happen, and our ‘secret’ barman who has been running 90-minute brunches for two years in the north of the country says what customers get up to when they’re plastered is WILD.
From being propositioned for sex to sordid details of what goes on in the ladies loos, he spills the reckless secrets – and it’s so startling, you may need a drink!
Married women lose their morals
So many women get frisky after a few glasses of prosecco.
Luckily, I’m single because no girlfriend would like to witness the things women do to try to get a bit of action.
One woman pulled down her vest top to flash her bare breasts at me, before coming in for a snog.
I’ve been groped, had my bum squeezed – and at least half of them are married.
I remember one woman rubbing herself against me and all I could think was “I’m not married but you definitely are, you’ve got a ring on your finger.”
Women in their 40s are wicked
The women in their 40s are the worst, they know what they want and go for it.
I feel like I’m in a room with about 50 women trying to get into my pants!
I’ve learned how to untangle myself from their clutches and I tell them I’ll have to call the police if they carry on misbehaving.
I’ve even had women invite me back to their hotel rooms if they’re having the brunch as part of a girly weekend away.
One in particular was on a hen night and away from her husband – she slipped her room number into my top pocket…
Post-sex glow giveaway
While I will rebut any offers because of my position, lots of the clientele get it on together.
We see them disappear into the toilets together and come out looking flushed and happy – you can spot a post-sex glow from a mile off.
Others have had the nerve – and the gallon of prosecco – to get it on in the main bar.
I once had to stop a couple who were dry humping on the sofa and suggest they get a room before they went at it properly – they were total strangers.
And you always see people snogging and then leaving together.
One guy came in after an argument with his girlfriend, told me that he was heartbroken, then half an hour later he was kissing someone he’d just met!
Home time fun
While we try to limit drinks by pouring slowly and ‘not noticing’ empty glasses if someone is very drunk, sometimes people get drunk very quickly and it gets out of hand.
We’ve had to literally carry women out to get some fresh air and help them into taxis to make sure they get home.
People have often had so much they fall asleep. One person even nodded off while standing at the bar trying to order another drink.
Others will pass out face down on the table or even in the toilets, which I wouldn’t recommend as….
Toilets are gross
The toilets are often filthy when the booze is flowing so freely. Not because we don’t clean them thoroughly – they’re always spotless at the start of the service and we check them regularly.
But I’m astonished at how unhygienic grown women are.
They’ll leave used sanitary products lying around, they somehow miss the toilet when they’re peeing, or use masses of loo paper and block the toilet.
They also spill make up all over the place. It’s revolting, far worse than the men’s loos by the end of the service.
They know how to get their money’s worth
There’s also sometimes vomit in the loos but often customers go outside and vomit on the pavement quite neatly.
It’s incredible how customers can make themselves throw up so they feel sober enough to stomach another glass of fizz.
These are professional boozers who certainly know how to get their money’s worth.
We cash in too
But while they’re getting their money’s worth – we are too.
We only offer unlimited prosecco, but once customers have started then they want to carry on with other drinks after the brunch deal has ended – and those drinks are obviously far more expensive.
We’ve had people spending £2k once the brunch has stopped as they’ll start ordering expensive champagne and spirits.
And if I’m honest we don’t spend much on the food – we usually have pizzas which are relatively cheap to produce.
No one tends to notice that the food isn’t top notch as they’re only interested in the booze – well at least we’ve had no complaints so far!
Hair pulling and bust ups
It’s generally a very happy atmosphere at my bar though I have witnessed some serious fallouts. Booze makes customers become emotional and that’s when arguments start.
When things get heated – and I’ve heard stories of women yanking at each other’s hair extensions- they either cry in the toilets or stay at the table downing more drinks.
Then it goes one of two ways….they either make up and are all over each other, hugging and apologising, or they leave separately in a huff while hurling insults.
And we have to put up with some very stroppy women if we stop serving because they’re too drunk. This sort get very mouthy which only confirm that they’ve had enough.
I’ve had to threaten to call the police a few times when it gets out of hand – that usually stops any trouble.
Lost property and stilettos
I always find it funny that women come along, ready to drink and dance, in towering high heels.
Be warned dancing on the table (a common occurrence) in stilettos will often end in tears.
Though we haven’t had to call an ambulance yet I’m often on tenterhooks and I try to entice women down before they fall down. Nobody wants to spend the night in A&E.
The more sensible women take their shoes off prior to dancing. Though they often forget to pick them up again.
It’s incredible how many pairs of shoes and coats and even handbags have been left behind.
My favourite is one single knee-high boot – I always look at it and wonder how that woman got home.
I keep it in case they want it back, along with the make-up, hair clips and brushes they leave littering those filthy toilets.